Mary's 06 - What Could Possibly Go Wrong by Jodi Taylor

Author:Jodi Taylor [Taylor, Jodi]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Accent Press
Published: 2015-08-27T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter Thirteen

We were half way through the programme. Only one down so far – Miss Lingoss – and even she was still alive so, as I cheerfully argued to Dr Bairstow, that didn’t really count. He countered by handing me the mid-term assessment paperwork and telling me to get on with it.

I sighed. You lose some and then you lose some more.

There’s an accepted routine for trainee assessments. The trainee enters the room and fixes the training officer with a glance that effortlessly combines blinding innocence with solemn dedication and hard work.

The training officer, for her part, lets them sweat for a minute or so then lifts her eyes from their file and regards them coldly.

The trainee, transfixed by the awfulness of this soul-penetrating glare, immediately confesses to every guilty sin he/she/it has perpetrated since the moment of conception and earnestly promises to do better in the future.

The training officer, magnanimously allowing him/her/it to live, extracts promises of even greater commitment in whatever future she allows the trainee to enjoy and sends him/her/it on his/her/its way.

Good fun, I think everyone will agree.

I can’t begin to say how badly it all went. See below for selected highlights.

Me:

(at this point, still full of fire and drive):

So, Miss North, tell me about your ambitions. Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?

North:

Oh, I want your job.

Me:

Training Officer?

North:

No, Chief Operations Officer.

Me:

(slightly astonished)

You actually want to be Chief Operations Officer?

North

(slightly astonished at my slowness)

Yes.

Me:

Well, if you stop getting up people’s noses, lose the attitude, adjust the tone, and just generally stop being a pain in the arse, you might make the long list. Until then, no chance. Next! Yeah, that could have gone better.

Sykes was the next one through the door.

I had noted, when reading through her file, that it was the Security Section who had christened her Psycho Psykes. Considering that between them, they enjoyed nearly every personality disorder known to man, and in Dr Foster’s opinion, at least two of them should be sectioned, I was inclined to believe they knew what they were talking about.

Sykes:

(bounding cheerfully through the door):

Good afternoon.

Me:

(now not quite so full of fire and drive):

Good afternoon, Miss Sykes. Please si …

Sykes:

(hurling herself into a chair)

So, Dr Maxwell, how do you think it’s going so far?

Me:

Well, I …

Sykes:

(enthusiastically)

Great.

Me:

Well, I …

Sykes:

(plonking a data cube on my desk)

I’ve finished my report on the Herodotus assignment.

Me:

Jolly goo …

Sykes:

(plonking another data cube on my desk)

And I hope you don’t mind but here’s a list of future assignments I think the History Department will find useful.

Me:

Tha …

Sykes:

(plonking a third data cube on my desk)

And Lingoss and I put our heads together and here are some ideas for the future.

Me:

Yes, but …

Sykes:

So how much longer before I’m qualified?

Me:

(feeling the question was irrelevant because I was going to be dead long before then)

Well …

Sykes:

Only there’s so much to do, isn’t there?

Me:

Ye …

Sykes:

(managing to bound with enthusiasm while still in a sitting position)

Only I hope I’m doing well because I think it’s really great here, and I’m

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